OMFGROTFLOL

Originally posted in Terra Occulta on January 29, 2006

Yes, I have a filthy mouth.

Yesterday several friends and I watched not one, not two, but three movies with qualities that range from decent to vile. Believe me when I say that if I could find a word worse than ‘vile,’ I would gladly use it.

The first movie I watched was Fun with Dick and Jane, starring Jim Carrey. I haven’t really enjoyed a Jim Carrey movie since the now classic Dumb and Dumber. I wasn’t really interested in watching, but I went to see it anyway for very good reasons I will not divulge here. I’m a coy bastard, aren’t I?

The movie was decent enough. Carrey manages to pull some of his slapstick genius, but a few jokes fall flat. The movie is just too grounded in reality for slapstick comedy to work (It talks about Enron-like corporate fiasco). Meanwhile, huge plot holes weaken the movie’s third act and, consequently, the movie in general.

The third movie I watched was an Indonesian teen flick called Lovely Luna. I didn’t skip the second movie. I’m saving it for later in the post. It’s the piece de resistance if you may.

Since it’s a teen flick, Lovely Luna is filled with cliches. There’s the guy that pines for the love of a popular girl that’s way out of his league but totally clueless of the affection from another girl, which happens to be his best friend since childhood. If you don’t know how it ends, I envy you for your naivete.

But to its defense, quite a few things work. The movie is pretty well shot, the dialogue is unnatural, but a few moments of sincere lines stand out, some of the jokes actually work, and the happy ending is kind of nice. I’m a sucker for happy love stories. That’s why I liked the second Spiderman movie better than the first one. Yes, the Spiderman movies are actually love stories, and yes, I am actually referring to comic book movies. I’m a comic book geek. Deal with it.

Now, the second movie. It was another Indonesian movie called Issue. I had a big laugh watching it. There’s one problem: It’s supposed to be a tragic drama.

Watching Issue is like watching Titanic. Not the movie, but the ship. I was watching an accident occurring in slow motion. The movie hits a giant iceberg called “incompetence.” You just sit there waiting some kind of salvation to come, but no help is coming. The tragedy just keeps getting worse and worse.

For starters, the writers don’t know what kind of movie they want to tell. They seem to want to mix a thriller with a love story, but end up with a mess. The writers also seem to think that people talk like third-grade Indonesian language textbooks. When a bad guy threatens you with perfect sentence structure and formal form of speech, you know that he isn’t really a badass like he wants to be. Also, the writers like to think that cosmic coincidences happen every two scenes. God plays with a loaded dice in this movie.

The actors appear as if they all graduated from the B-Movie school of overacting. The word ‘subtle’ no longer exists in their dictionary. If the story needs an actor to be annoying, then, by all means, he should speak self-righteously in a very loud noise and make an angry face. Then, if the story needs the actor to be suddenly courteous, why all he needs to do is talk calmly and smile. Adrian Maulana graduated summa cum laude from this prestigious school.

Then, there’s the recently divorced Tamara Blexy… , Blenz… , oh fuck that. If she’s not going to act in the movie then I’m not going to write her full name here. As the main character, she’s utterly useless. Special recognition must be given to the actor that played the villain. He single-handedly converts the movie from horrible to campy. He tries really hard to look evil by not talking much, constantly twitching his moustache, and, get this, eating raw meat complete with blood and all. You sir, are a genius. But I recommend not showing your face in public for the next, oh I don’t know, ten years or so. If you do have to go out, please trim your moustache and wear a toupee to avoid public ridicule.

The director is very brave to shoot the movie just like a sinetron, complete with the cheap video look and, surprisingly, dubbed audio. If you can shoot in a big TV station set, surely you can set aside some money for a film camera, and set of decent microphones. Then, you could hire a lesser star than Miss Blexy and use the excess money to find a qualified cinematographer and a professional audio guy. Then maybe find a screenwriter, an editor, and another director.

A note to the filmmakers: trying to reach the stars is good and all, but you need a concerted effort to do that. Doing a half-assed job is just going to knock you deep down in the gutters. I pray that you will find the light and repent for your sins in this movie.

Being mean is so much fun.